As I sit here after a long day of baking, picking cake batter out of my hair at midnight, I feel like I’m finally ready to talk about what happened concerning Liam. We went to our appointment with such high hopes and excitement at learning whether we were having a girl or a boy, only to be utterly dashed when the doctors told us that our son wasn’t even alive anymore. I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t feel real. At 20 weeks in my pregnancy our baby only measured 15 weeks gestation, indicating he had been gone for a few weeks.
Within a few hours I (McKenna) was being admitted into the L&D floor for an induction. The period leading up to the delivery, yes, delivery, of my baby, was absolutely miserable. I felt so sick, and Cole was always there asking if he could help even though there really wasn’t anything he could do. When it happened, it happened so fast. The hours following delivery seemed to be so surreal that they happened in slow motion. We had a few hours to spend with our son, the pastor came and did a blessing, we held him, held each other and simply cried. We needed that. It felt like some kind of validation. “Here is our son, and he was ours, he mattered no matter how old he was”. In fact, we received another blessing when we found out that the local funeral home, said they were appreciative that we recognized the life in our son that they would cremate him for us and we wouldn’t have to pay. They were so great to us, it was incredible, and made it all just a little bit easier.
The hospital, the funeral home, our loving community all made this process a little easier. Even coming home from the hospital, we both felt a sense of peace that we didn’t have in our last loss (miscarriage).
So today 2 weeks after the loss of our son, I lay in bed feeling a sense of loss. Where do we go from here? What does this mean for our family? What is the next step? For now, my next step is doctor’s appointments, being honest about my emotions and trying to just focus on our marriage. Post-pregnancy can be hard for any woman. It doesn’t matter if they carried to term or not. I think there is always a question of “what now?” There is also depression. This baby, this pregnancy was the center of our world for 20 weeks. And now overnight, it’s gone. It is important that Cole and I are honest with not only ourselves but each other. These hard moments can either weaken a relationship or make it stronger. So today…we choose strength. We choose each other. And we choose to carry on. One. Day. At. A. Time.